I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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