Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
