we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
