You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize