The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
