can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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