today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
