not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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