This is not my ceiling
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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