My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
