My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
