the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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