The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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