just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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