He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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