she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize