Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
