Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
