I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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