Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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