I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
