I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
