Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
