guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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