drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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