i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
