Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
