my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
