I'm going to rape someone's good day.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
