I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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