i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
