I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize