She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
