last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
