Just cropdusted the office
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
