Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
