The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize