Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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