I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
So many bounce houses so little time
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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