If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Did you just see the Batmobile???
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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