plz talk dirty to me
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
