Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
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