I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
