I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize