Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
