the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
