I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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