No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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