I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
