Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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