there was a trapeze. enough said
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
