I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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