And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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