Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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