My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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