While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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