I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
