Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
