I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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