dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
and she was petting her beer can
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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