He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just took my morning after pill in the library
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
