I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
