I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
