So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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