Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
