I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
